The ladies of Desperate Spinsters met at the Shady Acres retirement community in Milwaukee Wisconsin. United in their hatred for a society which has discarded them like empty Funyun bags, they hope to inspire other depressed elderly women to take their rightful place in the hostile music scene.
{Shout out to our good friend Ethel. Keep that putter hand strong.}
——————————————————————
-THE BAND-
Audrey Hilley: vocals
Audrey is the only member of the band with previous entertainment industry experience. You may recognize her from certain 1970’s sexploitation films such as Dangerous Virgin, Sexy Rebel, or Savage Pelvis Thrust. She enjoys moonlight dancing, and uppercutting koala bears.
Lavinia Fisher: vocals
Born in a Hooverville camp, Lavinia is no stranger to strife. In fact, her high school class voted her Most Likely To Lead A Life Of Strife. She has been married 4 times, each time to a gruesome man. Lavinia enjoys knitting, smoking DMT, and pumping bullets into bachelors.
Bathsheba Spooner: guitars
Bathsheba was raised in Sheboygan Wisconsin as the only daughter of the local dog slayer, who himself was also the son of the local dog slayer. She lost her father’s affection when she ran off with a traveling peanut brittle salesman, having turned her back on a lifetime of honorable dog slaying.
Maria Swanenburg: drums
This feisty 77 year old was born into an Orthodox Agoraphobic family that kept her in isolation throughout her entire life. When her parents were found dead in 2008 she became a ward of the state, and is slowly adjusting to the outside world. Maria continues to learn basic communication skills, as well as backgammon.
——————————————————————————————-
-FORMER MEMBERS-
Tillie Klimek: vocals
We’re not really sure where Ms. Klimek is from. She was found unconscious and suffering from amnesia after falling to the ground during a flagpole sitting incident in 2009. She enjoys Connect Four and salt water taffy.
Tillie was chasing a garter snake with a shovel when she tripped and cracked her head open on a rock.
Anna Zwanziger: guitar
When Anna’s 13th consecutive husband committed suicide in Muleshoe Texas in 2002, the citizens of that fine municipality “ran her out on a rail”, at which time she ended up at Shady Acres in Wisconsin. She drinks rye whiskey and threatens State Senators.
Anna was run over by the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile in 2015 and broke her spine.
Grace Marks: bass
Grace is a dust bowl survivor, who was bouncing around Alaska in the 1990’s. After being exonerated for the justifiable homicide of a 2 year old girl, she fled that state in 1999 to avoid a related wrongful death lawsuit. Grace has been a resident of Shady Acres since 2003. She passes the time watching Wheel Of Fortune and collecting preserved badger tracheas.
Grace was executed at The Hague for War Crimes in 2014.